Friday, 31 January 2014


so, just finished my second week of work and yeah... i'm a little worried. (also there will be typos for reason that will be explained shortly)

so a long time ago i sustained a shoulder injury at work, it should have been something simple but that injury forced me to take off work for 4 months and see physio 3 times a week cause i had no use of my right (dominant) arm. as the years went on the pain would come and go and after countless tests and many visits with many doctors i was always told the same thing. "well we know something is wrong, we just can't pinpoint what. try to avoid getting to the point where you can't use you arm anymore... as long as you try to maintain it it shouldn't get too much worse."
yeah that was.... 7 or 8 years ago.

so for the past year my shoulder has barely hurt, sometimes if i work on to much art and not enough breaks i'll get a little sore but a few days of rest and i'm back to normal. 

Now this job is similar to ones i've done in the past but since i'm in a different deparment theres a lot more volume then there was before. and we are in the slow portion (though thats going to change) so the first week i had to do this extremely repetitive activity around 400 times over the course of a day i was really sore cause it had been a year since i had to do that kind of stuff.
then when i had to do it again this week (and it was slightly more) i pushed my shoulder to the point where i'm about to lose the ability to use it.
So i'm on edge cause i already was anxious about doing this job but now that i'm at a point where i will not be able to process this thing in time and i'll be needing to do double or triple the amount i'm doing currently... and it hits me.
"I can't do this job"
i've been there 2 weeks.... and i'm thinking of quitting despite getting passed about a week long anxeity attack where i was a mess all day by the mear thought of accepting the job... now i have accepted it and i'm going to fail?
but i just can't see any other option, i know if i push my arm even just a little further i will not be able to use it for months... which means not only can i not work but i also can't take commissions... i will have no way of earning income for a chunk of time.
and so when i tell my family member and bosses that i do not think i can do this job what do they say?
"oh we'll work it out"
"oh you can go to the message therapyst right now and it should help"
"we don't want you to quit"
"we don't want to hire someone else we like you"

and thats really and i'm flattered that after only a few weeks they think i work hard but i know the longer we push this off the more i'm going to end up screwing them over when i break... and i do not want that.

"we'll get you to do different activities"
a) i don't want special treatment
b) even if i switch to using my left hand as dimoniant as i can get it it still hurts my right arm cause the problem stems from my neck and back.

"we'll give you more computer work"
again, if i move my upper back at all it hurts... so thank you for the thought but i can't see it helping.

"here try this medicine!"
it's cause by my spine being out of alignment and a nerve in my neck being pinched... no amount of medicine can fix that. 

the massage therapyst at least gave me some things i can do to try and help but i have 1 week to make a full recovery and i know that is impossible. when i'm to this point of pain i tend to need a good month or so of healing and physio. and if i try to do the thing that injured me while still injured i'm just going to make it worse.
i'm begging these people to replace me and they have outright said "no, not yet" and i'm just so frustrated.
I do not want to quit.
but i also don't want to break myself for a job i had doubts about taking.
and i don't want to be broken at a time where they need me at my best... there are deadlines and timeframes that need to be met or we get fined... and i was hired specifically to do this job.
i seriously hope that if this doesn't get better (which i just can't see... i've been at this point so many times and i know the long recovery i have ahead of me) that they hire someone quickly cause i don't want to saddle the person i was helping with doing that job as well.

but i'm getting so sick and tired of people saying they don't want to think about me leaving cause i fit in well... i like them all so much but i know whats best for my body... and i know what needs to be done and no one will listen. i'm flattered but i'm sorry.... i just can't do this anymore.
i'm so sick of this constant pain and now it's coming on so quickly and no one is able to fix it... the best they can do is put a little bandaid on and hope it sticks

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